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Letter to Santa

Dear Santa...

Dear Santa,

This year I've been busy!

Last Friday I caught a purse-snatcher who stole mouseferatu's purse (30 points). Last week I ruled Asscrackistan as a kind and benevolent dictator (700 points). In February I bought porn for bratty_jedi (10 points). Last month I pulled over and changed mouseferatu's flat tire (15 points). In May mouseferatu and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points).

Overall, I've been nice (766 points). For Christmas I deserve a Nintendo Wii!


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My Aunt's Passing

My Aunt C, Mom’s closest sister, passed away on Friday, January 18, at 4:45 AM. 


She went to the doctor less than a month ago because she was having pain in her side and abdomen. They decided to run a PET scan. They found cancer in her spine, bones and especially her liver. They said that we would try chemo and hope that it helped. She was pretty sick after the first couple of more aggressive chemo treatments. The last one she had was the Thursday before she was admitted. The doctor at that point said that they all they could do was continuing the treatments and pray...hard. On Monday my Aunt L could not get her to wake up. Mom and L stayed with her all day as she went in and out of consciousness. She was in a lot of pain. The doctors said that they had never seen the cancer so aggressively attach the liver. She had her blood tests 6 months ago and everything was clean and healthy. Just in November we attended one of my cousin's weddings and she was the picture of health. She was so excited to be having her reconstructive surgery this month.

She had gone into the hospital on Tuesday because she had been spitting up blood. The doctors told us that it was a sign that the liver was shutting down and that there was nothing more that they could do for her except keep her comfortable. By Wednesday she was unresponsive. I spent all day Wednesday thru to Thursday night at the hospital with Mom and the family. We slept in a little consultation room in the ICU that they let us commandeer, not that any of us got much sleep. Thursday evening they moved her to the Hospice, just down the street. They moved her into the Garden Room on the second floor. It was a very nice hospice. They were very responsive to our requests. I don't think she felt any pain once she was moved. Mom and I left around 11:00 PM to go home and get some rest because I was going to have to go back to work the next day.

We got a phone call at 4:50 AM that morning letting Mom know that Aunt C had passed. Mom went to speak to Papa (her dad), then came home and told my husband around 6:15 AM what had happened. They chose to let me sleep until 7:00 AM because I was exhausted. My husband woke me up and broke the news to me. I was late getting to work of course. I spent most of the day on Friday in between a state of staring at the wall and crying. I was not much help at work. I wish I had been with my cousins. C's youngest son, turned 19 on Friday, the day his mother passed into God’s arms. We all decided to celebrate his birthday and his mother's rebirth in Heaven, so we went out to Bonnie's Seafood and had a sort of dinner party. He said that he thought his mother was waiting for his birthday.

I cannot even express the sorrow I feel for my Uncle (who had loved her since they met when they were 17 and still loves her) who is lost without her, and my cousins, 22 and 19. She was a wonderful wife and a fantastic mother. She is going to be cremated. We are having a memorial service on Saturday. Everyone is going to wear something pink.

We are wearing something pink because about two years ago Aunt C was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had to undergo a radical mastectomy. She did not let it stop her. She joined support groups for women with breast cancer and their families. She was part of the Pink Phurree dragon boat racing team which was made entirely of breast cancer survivors. She did the cancer walks here in Houston. She was amazing and an inspiration to anyone who came into contact with her. She wore some item of pink at all times.

I am thinking about walking in the cancer walk that takes place here in Houston in the fall in her honor. I want to work up the stamina to eventually do the three day walk up in Dallas.


As you can tell my thoughts are not very well organized right now. It feels like I am exhausted all the time. I think I slept most of this weekend because that is all I seem to be able to remember. David says it is because Mom and I are emotionally and physically drained. I have a tendency to sleep when I am upset. It will only be more draining this week as we deal with the arrangements for the memorial, more Mom than me. Dad comes home from a business trip to Australia so at least he can be here with Mom when I can’t. I think that Saturday will be the worst. It is almost like I am refusing to let it be reality and keep expecting someone to say that it is nothing but a really sick joke. I am not sure that it has hit me as hard as it will yet.


I had better stop typing before I really make a fool out of myself.

Please pray for our family and especially Aunt C’s husband and two sons, and her three sisters. Please pray for us all to see the blessing in her passing, that she no longer suffers the terrible pain that she was going through. Let us see that she is in God’s tender care, with a whole body and all her fiery strength.

pink in the face

Ok, I met with my best friend's sister and her fiance for lunch yesterday and took my husband with me. I think this was the first time that I had been out with Katrina without Rachael. I had a lot of fun talking to them both and I think David did too. There were a lot of laughs. My husband had to go and embarass me though. I remembered that Katrina, Rachaell, Kasey and their families were going to the Ren Faire this weekend. I told Katrina that if I could not see the house and wedding stuff yesterday or sometime after work this week that I would be more than happy to see it on Sunday. David asked me, "why not Saturday?" I reminded him that they were going on a family outing. David had the nerve to turn to Katrina and say, smiling "Please take her with you." I was so embarassed. Talk about inviting yourself along. I smacked his arm and told him that I was not imposing myself on their family outing. Katrina told me that they were meeting some other friends there too, so it would not just be family. I argued with my husband about it. Finally I told Katrina that if she or her sister wanted to invite me then I would go, but that they did not have to and that I would not be offended if they did not because my husband is an idiot that tried to foist me on them! From the look on Katrina's face I am not sure if she thought that I was saying no because I did not want to intrude on their family outing or because I did not really want to go with them but did not know how to tell her without hurting her feelings. I am really irritated with my husband because now that he stuck that idea in my head, I would love to go with them, I love their family and always enjoy spending time with them, but I would feel bad for intruding where I was not invited. Sometimes I could just hit him. I felt bad that we did not get to go to their house yesterday and that David made me stay in the car when he got out to tell them that we were going to take separate vehicles because of some errands that we had to make. He made me stay in the car because it was raining pretty hard and I had been sick all the last week and he did not want me to get sick again. But I felt bad because I would have liked to say hello to Mr. & Mrs. H. Well I guess I have ranted long enough. I could still smack my husband. Just had to get that out of my system.

Okay...now I am truly terrified...

It is official. They want to slice me open. The surgeon wants whatever is in my leg, out, now. I have to find out how much it is going to cost because I have a $3,000.00 with $2,800.00 still left on it that I have to pay forth before my insurance will cover its 70%. I was a little scared when it was just a possibility,  now that I have been told that it is a reality I am downright terrified. I am sick to my stomach and jittery. I just want to go home and crawl into bed. He said that it is a fatty growth tumor or something like that but that they have a tendency to get infected and this one has tripled in size in the last 8 months or so. It is internally 6 by 5 centimeters, externally measured at 11 by 13 centimeters. I went to have it looked at because it was growing and I thought it had something to do with a constant numbness that has struck the thigh that it is in. Well, the numbness is probably because I have compression in my lower lumbar according to some x-rays. I am supposed to go see a spine specialist mid-August. At least he did not call back and say it was some sort of cancer. I am thanking God for that, even as I feel sick with worry over it all.


Other People's Inconsideration and Nerve

I will not scream. I will not scream. I will not scream. Deep breaths, in and out. 

Okay. We received a letter last night addressed to my youngest step-daughter. It was a referral for us to have her wisdom teeth taken out. She is 13, they do not have roots yet, so they figure it will be easier to do it now then later. Their mother had the dentist send this to us. She thinks we should get it done while they are here for the summer. When are any of us supposed to take an unscheduled, unasked for vacation without losing our jobs? I have to ask for mine 6 months in advance to even get mine! Their dad has no vacation. Not to mention I am not even sure that the dentists here in Texas will take BC of California. We cannot afford surgery for wisdom teeth right now. Hell, we cannot afford the surgery that they will want to do on my leg! Not to mention, we have planned out every free moment we have with the girls and book reservations (non-refundable). I am pretty sure that the girls would be highly disappointed to hear "sorry, we can no longer take you to San Antonio and SeaWorld because we are suddenly flat stone broke because one of you needs her teeth pulled" yeah that would go over. (Not that I would ever explain it to them that way, but they would figure it out, they are not stupid or slow-witted.) I know it is not their fault, so I try to keep my anger to myself but they saw their dad's reaction and (it seems more important to them) my reaction to getting the referral. The watched me more closely because they know that their mom talks to me and my reaction told them this was a very nasty surprise. They seemed unhappy. I buried my rage and helped them play Xbox so that they would know that we are not mad at them, but at their mother. My step-daughter said that her mother told her that we could have some of her dental work done here but I did was hoping she was mistaken because I did not want to believe that their mother would not discuss that with us first. I mean, every penny we have that isn't paying bills goes to paying child support, paying the girls other medical bills and field trip bills so that they get to do cool stuff. Right now any excess money (mine, hy husband's, and my parents') is all going to make sure the girls have a fun, entertaining holiday, not to mention the plane tickets to and from here. I mean, she has some damned nerve. I am so full of rage right now that I am shaking. I can't concentrate on work right now. She said that it would be best to do during their summer break because she wouldn't miss school. That didn't seem that important when they went on a cruise and missed a week of school. The step-daughter in question ended up with a C in a class because of that cruise. I am just choking on the bile of the B.S. that is coming with this. I can't even answer her email explaining this because I am afraid I would say something that we would all regret. My husband will not call her for the same reason. I usually have a good relationship with the woman, but right now...right now, I would knock her on her ass if I could.

Sorry...sorry to rant...but I had to get it out or I would choke on it.


Well, my step-daughters are settling in. On Saturday we took them out to one of their favorite restaurants the "Texas Roadhouse" for steak. Sunday we took them shopping for groceries and books. We hit all the local book stores. Yesterday the girls made dinner. They made pork chops and I actually ate one. I don't usually eat pork chops because I do not really like them, but I ate one anyway because I will eat whatever they cook. They are learning to cook so I want to encourage them. 

The only problem we are having is getting them to go take their showers and getting them out of our room so that we can go to bed. I haven't gotten much sleep the last couple nights. I can't make it to bed before 11:30 because the girls want to stay in our room. I am about to have to put my foot down because I need to get some sleep before I fall asleep driving to work one morning. 

I am beginning to wonder if I will be able to have that surgery on my leg even if they say that it is possible. With the girls surprise dental bill, I may just have to forego the surgery and hope that it doesn't hurt me or turn out to be something worse than a fatty tumor. Here's hoping. My insurance has a $3,000 deductible so I am not sure if any of the surgery would be paid for anyhow.

I am not feeling very good today. I think I might have a cold or something. I feel woozy and dizzy. I have a horrible headache.

Doctor's appointment

Well, Mom ended up taking half a day off from work to go with me to the doctor's, so I had my hand to hold. The surgeon was very nice. He says that he thinks it is probably a fatty tumor and they may be able to take it out if it is enclosed (meaning it is one piece that is pushing other tissue aside) because the other tissue will move back to take up the space left by the tumor. But if it is not enclosed (meaning it is actually encroaching on other tissues) he says they might not want to take it out because it would leave a cosmetic issue (mainly I would have a huge concave area in my thigh) because he would have to take the tissue it is encroaching on as well. I am hoping that it is enclosed and they can take it out, because even if it means surgery and it leaves a scar, this thing has doubled or tripled in size since last year, I do not want it to continue to grow. The surgeon has set me an appointment to get an ultrasound on my thigh to get a better look at it. He has also made an appointment for me to see the Spinal specialists as well. The x-rays that my primary physician took showed some compression of my lower spine, which would possibly explain the numbness in my leg. So nice of my other doctor to tell me this, right? I mean, all she told me is that the x-ray showed arthritis, not even where the arthritis was, but said nothing about spinal compression when she knew that my leg was going numb and I was losing sensation in my skin. So there is my doctor's appointment in a nutshell. 

On a much happier note, my step-daughters arrive tomorrow morning. YAY!!!! We found out they went to the dentist this morning. They need about $1,800.00 worth of dental work done, joy of joys. Just what we wanted to hear. Needless to say, they are going to brush their teeth three times a day and they can forget about eating candy while they are here. I mean, that is the cost of a root canal and crown (and I should know! I have a mouth full of them because I have weak enamel). We get to pay half of that. It was very depressing news. I have since decided I am not going back to the dentist until something decides to hurt bad enough. Each time I go they find a cavity, which they drill, then find out that they have to drill to China through my mouth because my cavities do not spread across the top of a tooth like normal cavities, my cavities look tiny on the top but go straight down in one solid line straight to the root. That is why the majority of the teeth in my mouth are crowns and have no roots. Sad isn't it. My mouth is worth a small fortune. 

Well, enough dwelling. The good news is that they are going to be here tomorrow. We are thrilled they will be here.

On a happier note...

Yay!!! Only an hour and 19 mnutes to go until I am off for the weekend! Even if it is going to be a busy at least I will not have to be here. That makes me happy. I may sleep in until 8:00 tomorrow instead of getting up at 6:00 to start. 

I can't believe the girls are almost here. I love having them here but at the same time it is exhausting. It is non-stop for two months. I come home from work and there they are, on my bed, in my chair. Sometimes all I want is ten minutes to relax but you can forget that because unless I kick their Dad out of the room they are glued to his side. Which I understand, they only get to see him once a year. Oh well, a little franticness is a small price to pay to have them here. I miss them when they are gone. 


so scared

I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow. I am scared. I know that this is just supposed to be a surgical consultation and that they are not supposed to need to cut on my tomorrow, but hey, I never said the fear was rational. I know at some point soon they will need to slice into me to do the biopsy since the punch biopsy will not get deep enough. Funny thing that, the dermatologist said that a punch biopsy would need a couple of stitches, I wonder how many stitches the surgeon's biopsy will need. I am afraid. I am afraid that they will find something bad, or do more nerve damage. I don't want to go to this appointment by myself, but I have no one to go with me. No one to hold my hand and say it will all be alright, even if that is a lie.

I have so much to do tomorrow and it seems like I will not have the time to do it all. I need to get my car cleaned out and up. I have to revacuum the floors and re-clean the bathrooms, the catboxes. I have to pack any auctions that sell tonight to be shipped out on Saturday morning. There is a lot more, I just can't think of them all right now. I think I will get up early in the morning with my husband like I am going to work and get started. 

Back to the grind.

Ponder Ponder

Hmmm, I am debating on putting up my own meme, but I am not sure what I would put up can be considered a meme or a full blown inquisition. How short does a meme have to be? Several years ago I combined a few meme-like surveys into one long one. 

I wonder if you get brownie points for making it to work even though you can't seem to get any work done? I think that is the problem both my boss and I are having. Neither one of us really wants to be here and we are having a Hell of a time actually working. I wonder if cabin fever (or would they call it cubicle fever, since it is work?) is contagious? Because we have it bad. It is not that there is no work to be done, it is just finding the heart to do it that seems to be our problem. I guess I had better try harder.

Type at you later.